Stuck

That is how I have been feeling lately; like I am in quicksand and there's no way out. When I look back on my life, did I imagine this is where I would be at 24? Absolutely not. Still at home with a job that's less than ideal (though I actually don't mind it as much as I thought I would), and having no fricken clue what I want in life. I don't know what I want to do. Every time I have even the slightest idea, something changes it. Not getting into grad school completely changed the student affairs idea; maybe I am not cut out for it. Maybe I am just supposed to stay stuck in life. Now I feel like I am wasting my time at Hamline. I don't feel passion for it anymore and it makes me extremely sad. Part of me, a very big part of me, just wants to give up on it.

In the past, I would say that it's all my fault. Even now, I take complete responsibility. I am so scared I am going to end up like my mom; living paycheck to paycheck and just being stuck. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't have that drive that I had anymore. It's completely lost. People tell me to just do it. Get out of the rut, but I just can't. I don't have it in me. I feel like I am fighting for nothing. In the end, I just always end up disappointed in myself.

I am not writing this blog to ask for advice (actually, it was more of a "I need to write before I go insane" blog post) and while I appreciate it, I don't want it. I don't want to hear that everything is going to be okay and things will work out. I know this sounds harsh, but I've been hearing that  my entire life and clearly it hasn't done anything. The people that read this on a regular basis, I consider friends, very dear friends that I love very much, and that's what I need. I need a friend. I need someone to say that they don't know what's going to happen, but whatever happens or wherever I end up in life, they will love and support me.

Almost a whole month?!

Has it seriously been almost an entire month since I've written anything?? Holy crap. I am blaming school, work, and the fact that I am now hooked on Grey's Anatomy and I have been watching pretty much nonstop. Thanks, Emily :) If you don't watch the show and you like drama, watch it. Even if you don't like drama, watch it. It actually tackles a lot of good issues, political and personal. I love it.

Speaking of political issues, I read something that I find slightly disturbing today. NewSouth Books, a publishing company, is essentially rewriting Huck Finn. They are replacing the N-word with "slave". Now, don't get me wrong, I hate that word. I think it's awful and anyone that uses it is completely ignorant. However, in this context, I think it's important. It really paints a picture as to what life was like during that time. Not only that, but Mark Twain didn't use that word for kicks and giggles; he had a point.

Now, I don't think 5th graders should be reading it, but I certainly don't see any problem in high schoolers reading it. I think that it can spark some really good conversation and Huck Finn, in it's original context, can be a great teaching tool for students. It tackles such an important issue, race at a time when it was at it's worst (well, overt racism was at its worst anyway). Teachers aren't just handing out books and saying, "here read this" without discussing it. The whole point of their job to to teach their students about stuff like this.

I guess my biggest issue is book banning in general. I am sick of people coddling kids and shielding them from bad things. They think they are protecting them, but they are doing so much more harm than good. By not allowing kids to see the bad in the world, they won't know how to deal with it when it does happen to them. By not introducing them to the problems of the world, they can lose critical thinking skills; they won't know how to solve problems because they've never had to do it before.

Now look, I understand that they may just want to be politically correct and sensitive, which I appreciate. But I don't think that's the way to go about it. I think that having a discussion about the word in classrooms is what is needed. Pretending that it doesn't exist does such a disservice.

I am sorry if that seems jumbled; I feel like it's jumbled. Oh well, I am going back to Grey's :)

Proust Questionnaire

A post two days in a row?! I must me on fire! That could be dangerous. I'll be right back, I need to go check...Okay, I'm good.

For some odd reason, I have been searching for videos of Inside the Actor's Studio on Youtube the last couple days. It seems like a good way to spend my time. Papers, reading, and studying are overrated anyway. For those of you that don't know, the show is hosted by James Lipton. Actors are interviewed about their life and career. Lipton then asks them 5 questions. These questions were inspired by the Proust Questionnaire. I was curious as to what it was, so naturally I ended up on Wikipedia. Basically, it is a questionnaire developed by a Frenchman named Marcel Proust about one's personality. Because I 1) don't want to do anything productive (it IS Friday) and 2) like talking about myself, I am going to answer Lipton's version of the questions.

1) What is you favorite word? Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (fear of long words...)

2) What is your least favorite word? Moist

3) What turns you on? A sense of humor

4) What turns you off? douchebaggery

5) What sound or noise do you love? Slot machines*

6) What sound or noise do you hate? Anything in a hospital

7) What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Marine Biologist or Neurologist or professional gambler*

8) What profession would you not like to do? The person that cleans out port-o-potties

9) What is your favorite curse word? It's a tie between "shit" and "fuck"

10) If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Slot machines are down the hall, second door on the right.*


*I might have a slight gambling problem...

Parents and T.V.

I haven't written in awhile and had the intention of writing a fun blog post about the 90s since I have been reminiscing about them lately and how much I miss the fun toys, music, and movies. However, thanks to some jackass in one of my classes, I am going on a massive rant that's probably going to be filled with incomplete thoughts and mindless ramblings, as the thoughts in my head are still swimming and haven't really come together. Maybe with the creation of this post, it will change. 

It started off in class today. We somehow got off topic and started talking about parenting, something I know little about as I am not a parent. There is one mom in our class and our professor is a mother as well. She's probably my favorite professor mainly because she isn't afraid to speak her mind, but she let us talk it out today and got involved only a few times. 

Someone made a reference to Family Guy, which happens to be one of my favorite shows. I think the satire is funny and, let's be honest, I find the potty humor hilarious. The lady in my class who is a mom (I am just going to call her Alice, I don't know her real name and she looks like Alice from Alice in Wonderland to me, so that's why) made a side comment about how much she hates Family Guy, which I am okay with because a lot of people can't stand it and don't think it's funny. Another classmate asked her why she hated and she said that it's not wholesome T.V. and not something she wants her kids around. Again, understandable. She went on a rant about how it shouldn't be on the air and how repulsive it is and she can't believe that Fox would let such a bad show on T.V. Seriously? I had to chime in because I hate when people say that a show shouldn't be on because it isn't kid friendly. If you don't want your kids to watch it, don't let them. It's that simple. If you don't like it, don't watch it. What's so difficult about that? Alice and a couple other classmates had the defense that it was offensive. I said Fox News offends me, but I don't go around saying that it should be off the air. I just don't watch it (well, except for lately because I am staying with my grandma and that's the only news she'll watch. Thank you, ear buds). 

Alice then went on to talk about how she misses shows like All the the Family. Umm...has she SEEN that show?? It's anything but wholesome and I can find more similarities between that and Family Guy than I can differences. Archie is a bigot, Peter may not be a bigot, but he is certainly naive and says things that are less than politically correct (a term I HATE by the way).

My main point is that I am sick of parents not taking responsibility for their kids. They are blaming their kids' problems on society and blah, blah, blah. I am sure that has something to do with it, but how about  you try this new thing called parenting? Stop babying your kids. Let them experience life, get scraped up, lose a game, maybe watch something like Family Guy (chances are they wouldn't get the jokes anyway). My dad let my sister and I watch Beavis and Butthead and we are just fine. 

I. Am. Hilarious.

Now, the following picture probably entertained me far more than it should. Since I am sleep deprived, however, and since I was the one that made the funny, I feel like that's okay. The picture depicts* my sister's Facebook status. My comment is the second one.

*Please forgive the horrible blurrification of the names and profiles pictures.

The Adventures of Archibald and Goatrude

Awhile back I wrote a note to my friend during class (I know, writing notes was so 6th grade, but I was bored and I had a ton of energy, I needed to channel it somewhere). Well, in this note I said that I had a mouse in my pocket. One of my teachers in middle school would always ask me if I had a mouse in my pocket if I ever said something like, "What are we doing after lunch?" I named this mouse Archibald and then thought it would be hilarious to make him bald. I joked about writing a kid's book about Archibald, but nothing really happened until this past summer. I was at the Minnesota State Fair with some friends and we were in the goat barn. My friend was really loving the goats and wanted to take one home. I told her to name it Goatrude. That's when it hit me. Goatrude could be Archibald's side kick, his best friend, his partner in crime. I was excited. 

A few nights later I was walking home from the bus stop and saw what I thought was a very large cat. It turned out to be a giant raccoon. Naturally I chased it and it ran up a tree. I was yelling, "don't give me rabies!" There is no point in telling that part of the story, I just thought it was funny. I decided that I was going to have a raccoon named Frankie in my Archibald stories. He's going to be the rebel. 

I soon began thinking of other characters to add. There HAS to be a squirrel. I think his name is going to be Al Mond. Get it? I am hilarious. I think I should have a fox, also. Right now, the tentative name is Slyvia (like Sylvia, but switched around, so it looks like Sly. See I am hilarious). 

I am trying to come up with some good story lines. It's going to be for little kids so they have to have some sort of lesson. Once I come up with something good, I will post it.

Work, Work, Work All Day Long!

When I started my current job, I was excited, mostly because I got a job and it didn't take nearly as long as I anticipated (thank God!). When I actually started working, I started to not like it. I think part of it was because I wasn't sure of what I was doing. When I was an RA, I was confident. I knew how to go about things and even though there were some strange cases (a kitten in a room, a kid thinking a fog machine was okay to have, and loud fornicating among those) and I wasn't sure exactly how to go about it, I had a pretty good idea of what to do. With my new job, I quickly became tired of complaining and ungrateful customers, messy floors and fitting rooms, and co-workers who did jack squat. I wasn't happy; I didn't think I was doing a good job and I kept my eyes peeled for anything new. I felt like I was doing a lot and people just weren't noticing. That's my biggest thing, I just want my manager to tell me I am doing a good job and that I am doing things right.

Now that I have been here for awhile, it's still a far from ideal job. I don't plan on having it long term and there are still days where I want to cry (like that day I got called racist), but I am way more confident. I have learned to appreciate the good customers and not dwell so much on the bad ones. Everyone deals with people they don't get along with. I have learned that I can let off some steam with my co-workers if needed.

This last week I got four huge confident boosters. 2 from my own manager and 2 from managers of other departments. The first came one night when I was closing. At the end of the night we have to bring envelopes with retained coupons, gift cards, etc to a little cart and check off our registers once we close them. Someone is usually there to ask us which register and checks it off. Well, this night that I was closing it was one of the managers. She always asks us for a story about how we provided excellent customer service. I told her about this little girl who was looking for a birthday outfit for her party the following week. She told me that that was awesome and that I was really good in the kid's department. I left with a good feeling that night.

The second and third came from my own manager. While I was working one day he came to basically give me a quick evaluation of how I was doing. He told me I was one of his top 2 associates and that I was really good with the customer and attentive to them as well. The only thing I need to work on for the most part is opening accounts (which is way easier said than done). The next day he came down again to just check on how things were going. I didn't even notice him and was putting clothes away. There were about 4 customers shopping and I just did what I normally do, ask them if they are finding everything okay or need help with anything. My manager saw and told me that that was excellent and he challenged me to ask more open ended questions (again easier said than done in some cases). That was what I needed to hear; I needed him to tell me that I was doing a good job, even though I still have doubts, I feel a lot more comfortable.

The last one came today. I was working in the shoe department, something I am definitely not familiar with. The associates there also work on commission so my main job was ringing up customers and making sure I knew who helped them with their shoes so they can get paid for it. It was hectic to say the least. Saturday was definitely the worst day to work. The manager of the shoe department came by and told me he appreciated my help and that I was doing a good job with being honest with the customers about not knowing the department very well and getting them the proper help. We did have one incident of a lady who wanted to return shoes that broke (she claimed her second of the same pair that broke), but she didn't have a receipt or a UPC. Now, normally I can look up the item with the UPC and the credit card or something like that, but without a UPC, it's pretty much useless. She didn't understand what the problem was and didn't understand the concept of a UPC  I explained to her what it was and that I can't possibly look it up without it. I ended up calling the manager and it was reveled that she bought it at the same store and a different location. We didn't have this style of shoe. The manager told her she could go back to the original store or he could mess around with it and go to the manufacturer, but that would take a couple weeks. She got angry and blah, blah, blah and he ended up fixing it and bypassing it. He might get in some trouble, but it might be less than the other options. She was a crabby customer. BUT, I digress.

My main point is that I am finally glad that I am getting noticed. I don't want to make it seem like I am the hardest worker in the store or anything like that, but I just want someone (my manager to be specific) to notice that I am doing something and that's finally happening and I am a lot happier at work than I was before. It's finally making some stuff seem worth it (ie my feet constantly hurting)