That is how I have been feeling lately; like I am in quicksand and there's no way out. When I look back on my life, did I imagine this is where I would be at 24? Absolutely not. Still at home with a job that's less than ideal (though I actually don't mind it as much as I thought I would), and having no fricken clue what I want in life. I don't know what I want to do. Every time I have even the slightest idea, something changes it. Not getting into grad school completely changed the student affairs idea; maybe I am not cut out for it. Maybe I am just supposed to stay stuck in life. Now I feel like I am wasting my time at Hamline. I don't feel passion for it anymore and it makes me extremely sad. Part of me, a very big part of me, just wants to give up on it.
In the past, I would say that it's all my fault. Even now, I take complete responsibility. I am so scared I am going to end up like my mom; living paycheck to paycheck and just being stuck. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't have that drive that I had anymore. It's completely lost. People tell me to just do it. Get out of the rut, but I just can't. I don't have it in me. I feel like I am fighting for nothing. In the end, I just always end up disappointed in myself.
I am not writing this blog to ask for advice (actually, it was more of a "I need to write before I go insane" blog post) and while I appreciate it, I don't want it. I don't want to hear that everything is going to be okay and things will work out. I know this sounds harsh, but I've been hearing that my entire life and clearly it hasn't done anything. The people that read this on a regular basis, I consider friends, very dear friends that I love very much, and that's what I need. I need a friend. I need someone to say that they don't know what's going to happen, but whatever happens or wherever I end up in life, they will love and support me.
i know you don't want advice. and i've been feeling the same way kind of but for different reasons. take time for yourself. as much as i constantly worry about one thing or another that one hour or so i sit and read and get away from reality makes me really happy. even if it doesn't make everything go away you need at least one hour to just relax. i love you <3
ReplyDeleteI know this sounds mean, but I am actually relieved that someone feels the same way. I don't know what I want. I just kind of picked something and am trying to see it through (keyword being "trying"). *Sigh* I just wish I could find even a part-time job at a non profit. Even that would help me to commit to this line of work. However, until then, I feel just as lost and scared....more like petrified. I feel almost as if I am wasting my 20s. And by the way, anything you choose to do, *I* will support you. I believe that you need to do something that makes you feel as if your life is worth living - and when you're ready to do just that, I will totally be here cheering you on! YAY YOU!
ReplyDeletePS. I hate it when people tell me to "just do it". I don't think they can understand that mental block that makes "just doing it" really difficult.
ReplyDeleteJust like Annie and Emily said, I know you don't want advice, and I'm not really going to offer up any..... I just wanted to tell you to not to do anything you don't have a passion for! It's okay if you lose a passion for something (okay, sorry, maybe that sounds like advice but I'm not meaning for it to be so; I just want to tell you something I wish I had heard from others). I stayed at Northern for a year and a half longer than I wanted to pursuing a major that was 'just alright' in my book simply because my boyfriend (my now husband so yes I realize his opinions counted lol) said I should just finish since I already started and I was worried about what my family would think because I felt pressured into college because neither my brother or sister went. Finally Matt realized how unhappy I was staying there doing something I didn't want to do and started supporting my decision not to graduate from NMU. And right now I honestly couldn't be happier nannying a 7 month old even though it's not a 'real' job. I know I'm lucky that I have a husband that makes enough that I can do what makes me happy even though I don't make as much as I would need to if I weren't married. But the point is, after all my rambling, is that you should do what makes you happy even if it's not what made you happy a month, or year, or five years ago :) We're human, and women, so we're entitled to change our minds at least 10 times a day ;)
ReplyDeleteI can sort of understand your feelings about losing your passion, but I sort of feel like everyone goes through that at some point. I do support you no matter what, and I know that you care deeply about your new program and the issues it confronts. I can also understand how it can be pretty intense. Not really advice, but maybe a new semester will renew that fire. Maybe not. I don't know what will happen, but I know you're strong enough to find out.
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