Some Things are Never Happy

This post is about periods. Just a warning. 

There are 12 weeks a year when I wish I had a penis. They are the worst weeks and they always come at the worst time. Of course you know by now that I am talking about the week of my period.

It really does not help that the advertising world tries to make periods out to be this wonderful thing. "Have a happy period. Always". Um, no such thing. Ever. Sorry. There is nothing happy about bleeding from your lady parts once a month. I challenge you to find a woman who gets excited when they get their period. Okay, save for the people who could be pregnant and don't want to be. Periods to them are like Christmas morning. I would rather eat an entire raw onion than have a period ever again.

I just saw a commercial for Midol. It ended with saying something about Midolizing your period. What the eff does that even mean?? Midolize it? No. I just want to curl up in a ball and lay in bed for three days and eat chocolate and watch The Notebook. It's supposed to be this empowering statement about tackling the problems of your period. No. That's not the way I do things.

I am convinced that the marketing teams for these things are consisted entirely of men. If there was a single woman on those teams, she would stand up and say what I am saying. Instead of Pamperin, we would see commercials for chocolate cake and sweatpants.

Periods are Mother Nature's way of being a bitch. Seriously. What's the worst thing that happens to guys? They get a woody in the middle of Wal-Mart? Big whoop. I think it's hilarious. There's nothing hilarious about a giant blood stain on your ass. That's just nasty. 

My fashion sense also tends to take a huge hit during this week due to bloating. I hate bloating. Today, for example, I purchased a new shirt. It looks adorable with my leggings and I was planning on wearing that outfit to a Lia Sophia party tomorrow. Can I? No. Why? Because I look like Slimer from Ghost Busters. You know, a giant blob.

Ugh. I hate periods.